feelings

So I don’t really find it hard to enjoy my holiday (of course) but when I am back in nkhoma or home wherever that is I find that I like to keep busy. There are times when I can really relax but there are other times when I feel that everyone else is working and I should be too even though I either don’t have things that I have to do or feel that I’m just doing busy work. I’m starting to think it comes from not having a “real” job. Yes, I am helpful. Yes, I am needed. But then again if I’m not there things do go on. This is a good thing but it also gives me the sense of not being needed, spinning my wheels, an extra—nice to have but hey. And it isn’t that I’m not appreciated…but when I decide to take an afternoon off it is ok because everything will get done (just later)…and I don’t have to ask (which I’m glad about).
Last week when Ute and I decided to go up the mountain in the afternoon we went. I had invited Nicole who is also helping Rebecca but she was too busy at the hospital…when I got back she asked me if I had asked Rebecca if I could go…well, no. i don’t work for her—I help her. (this was a time it was great not to be in a real job) And then there are the weekends that I don’t do much…and that is fine but in my head I always have the list of other things that will have to get done soon…but I also suppose that is true no matter what you do. There is always more you can do to help…it is never really enough. Because when you reach the point of enough—there is still more both in you and needed…